BLAIR!!

Sometimes i wonder if what im feeling is love for this man or just a more intense and different type of infatuation. The first time i saw him i could NOT take my eyes off him, neither could he take his from mine. It has been a strange experience for me. He sings in a group of 20 Congolese refugee guys, and he’s one of the leaders. He has an incredible voice, even though i don’t understand the words they sing. When i watch him or when I am around him I feel as though my heart is going to jump out from my chest. I think about him ALL the time, but not in the way a girl typically thinks of a cute guy that noticed her or event showed her attention, its different then that, more important and interest in his life and who he is and much i want to know him. These group of guys are like son’s to my grandparents. We see them on occasion but not regularly. Soon we will be going on a trip to Western Uganda, and some of these boys will be going with us, including this particular one. I am praying that God will show the the truth of my mind and heart. I don’t want to trust my feelings so much to find out it’s completely impossible and not God’s desire, because if it is His desire then I will have faith that everything will fall into place and have no worries. I must say i have never involved God into my life this much, especially involving the men in my life, mainly because i think that i know whats right for me and in the past i have trusted my feelings and emotions over mind and truth. So for once i thought maybe i would bring God into the picture and see if he saves me from heartbreak or if he shows me the steps to take. I guess we will see. So that is my love story :D

OKAY, so does anyone know what love is? im not saying my hearts been broken and i feel alone. my parents have always been my whole idea of love. After 18 years of marraige my dad just decides hes done beeing married. like WHAT THE HELL??? where did that come from.? well apparently he was done being married after the first year. so what does this mean? that love is a temporary emotion? I dont really know what to think of all this. im not sure whether im mad or sad or just really really confused. or maybe all. Dad stopped staying here for the night. but he’s always here during the day. where does he go? i dont know, and neither does anyone else. the most frustraiting part is that i can understand both parents views. my dad wants to be friends with my mom and still have a relationship just not one that bounds him to her and creates so many rules. my father is a strong believer in being who you are and fallowing your intuition. so why create boundries that might prevent you from living out your destined life. and he claims that he no longer “needs” sex, and its really just a glorified handshake. on the other hand, my mom is entirely heartbroken. its like she cant function without my dad. she feels abandoned and let down. she cries every day. it breaks my heart to see her so broken. she feels such a loss of the intimate relationship and level of togetherness they were once at. But my dad has always said not to put your identity in anyone or anything. which means dont make someone else or something who you are. who you are is inside yourself. which i can understand and agree with. He also showed us years ago that no one can MAKE you happy, or make you sad, angry, worried, etc. you choose to feel that way. but many of us believe that there is that one person in our life that makes us very happy … okay well since your giving them the power of making you happy and lighting up your life, then you are also giving them the power to tear you apart and hurt you in ways you didnt think possible. my mom put her identity in my dad, she lived all of her life to make him happy and she always did what he wanted. she had opinions but she let them go and just followed my dad. Many might believe that theres nothing wrong with that, but i disagree, because how can you call it living life if your living it for someone else, and trying to get their approval? we are all different but all connected. live out who you are, dont hold back, dont be afraid of anything, but be aware, dont judge and you wont feel judged, smile and laugh, be grateful and recieve, be at peace and feel the world sing in harmony, love and be loved!

I love both my parents and i have faith that everything will work out just fine.

:)

well, im young, happy, and excited about everything life has to offer.